Stuff I'd like to say

I wish I could tell you what an insensitive person you are, but we just downward spiral. I wish I could tell you that when you stopped going to services with me - it hurt so much, but we just downward spiral from there. I wish you'd stop being so stubborn and start cooking again. You're better at it than I am (damnit) and frankly I've no interest in doing it. I wish I knew how to tell dad that I don't want to do any cooking that I'm turning it back over to you - but I haven't figured that out yet. But it will probably be this evening, so guess what - you're up on Monday. Thank goodness that I can vent here where it's very unlikely that anyone will see it, because if I don't vent some of this off, I'm likely to explode. I don't want to do that, the youngin doesn't deserve it. And speaking of the little urchin - it doesn't help that your "solution" for his aggressive behavior is to become aggressive right back at him - dumb ass. You can't tell him it's not good to hit and kick others and turn around and hit him for doing it. It ought to sound stupid now that it's been put out there don't ya think? I don't know why I bother anymore - you don't give a damn and now I feel like I'm stuck with you. I feel so incredibly dumb.

Been a while!

Well, it's been a long time since I've posted anything! I'm not totally convinced that anyone reads this anyway. I basically created this page as a free form vent/diary. So vent time I hate it when I feel like I've been duped. There's a person in my life who basically isn't living up to what they said they were. I'm okay with folks having their ups and downs, after all everyone goes through that. It's just aggravating to think that maybe I've been lied to. It's almost Christmas time and it get's harder each year to get into the spirit of things. I miss my mom the most at this time of year. She LOVED Christmas even if she didn't love all the mess that comes with it. Trying to find the "right" gift - all the cooking involved and short tempers of all around. Did you ever notice that the one season of the year that is supposed to foster good-will and peace rarely does? Why is everyone so blasted mean to the people around them? I'm baffled by these questions. Our current series at church is simply Christmas. If it get's any more "simplified" around here - it won't be worth celebrating. (If you haven't guessed yet - I'm broke that's enough to put anyone into a blue mood). This keyboard is driving me nuts - I keep hitting a key (not sure which one) that jumps my cursor all over the place. I wish I knew which one I was hitting so I could stop doing it. I know this is all over the place rant-wise. Tis the nature (blast it - it did it again!) of my scattered thoughts this first day of December 2012. Bah Hum Bug

My How Time Flies

Well, it's been a year since my life changed forever. In a lot of ways things are so much better than they have ever been - in others not so much. But I have a few things that I didn't have a year ago - faith, hope and above all, love.

Long time no post

Wow! It's been exactly one month since I have bothered to post anything. Well, what can I say, I've been busy. Some things that have kept me away has just been life in general and taking part of some amazing activies at church (Alpha - I highly recommend it).

I wish I could report wonderful things, but sadly that is not the case. Within the last week, my brother-in-law had to go back in the hospital. He has lung cancer and things are not going very well for him. The news we have received this week hasn’t been good. What we thought was pneumonia has turned out to be, at least what I know right now, the cancer spreading.

I have been trying to step into my sister’s shoes this past week and help care for our father and keep up with a very active four year old. Actually, watching Ian and his grandpa together has brought a lot of joy. I worry for my sister, her husband and children. Then I have to remind myself of the advice I gave Ron before leaving for the hospital, ‘let go, and let God’. Sometimes that easier said than done.

When it feels as if the weight of the world is pressing down on not just you, but your entire family as well it’s easy to wonder if the bad will ever end. It’s hard to remind yourself that life is a series of peaks and valleys. We may be in the valley at the moment, heck it feels more like a dungeon, but this won’t last forever. We will push through and up and we won’t do it alone. God is right here seeing to us all and giving us strength.

Frustration

Frustation pretty much is the sum total of what dominates my life at the moment. I have been trying for months to get my mortgage company to apply the pay-off that I sent them back in September. This whole process has made me want to go postal on more than one occasion.

Let me back track for a moment......

The past year has been well, rough to put it mildly. On March 12, 2009 my son was diagnosed with Autism Spectrum Disorder. The next day (oddly enough) Friday, March 13th I was laid off. Can you say panic anyone? To further add to the pressure, my husband is an alcoholic that just couldn't seem to get a grip on life in general. After a particularly bad fight, I decided to leave or rather put him out. That was on April 9th. End result? He burned the house down. Thank God no one was hurt and I wasn't there, nor was our son.

Obviously there are more details than I am including here. But I don't have time to post every single one. Thankfully, my insurance company paid off the mortgage, or at least issued the check, which I dutifully sent in. The problem? Well, Bank of America doesn't appear to want to apply it.

I am ready to scream at the top of my lungs. I have gone round and round with them over this. Every time I call, new "fees" magically appear. I was out of work, consistent work, from March until August. Five months folks. Every cent received from the insurance claim went to bills. Now, I'm left with a burnt out shell of a home and a mortgage company that gives every indication that they want the money and what's left of my home.

Any attorney's out there? I could really use a hand right now or a bulldozer, really whichever is handy........

What's in a name?

I have been intrigued by the many posts on Facebook over the last couple of days with individuals posting the meaning of their name. I finally found out that folks were going to urban dictionary.com and posting their own definitions.

I didn’t realize this at first. When I found out about the site, I did a search for my name. What came up completely surprised me. I was shocked, nay incensed to discover that my name is “code” for any number of nasty things. I won’t list them here, if you’re that curious, look it up yourself.

I have the unfortunate “pleasure” of my name being able to spell a different word when spelled backwards. And my name being what it is, Lana, “backwards” or the “rear” figures highly into the jokes being made about the name Lana.

There are not many people who share my name. Growing up, it was sometimes annoying when my name was pronounced differently than I was used to. It can be done any number of different ways. I grew up with it being pronounced LANuh, rhyming with banana. As an adult, I’ve grown to like the sound of LA nuh. For starters it sounds adult as opposed to what I grew up with. It’s all in the emphasis, but what can truly trigger an eye-roll from me is when people get creative. I’ve heard LAINuh and Lena I’m not sure how they got that, there is no i or e in my name.

It wasn’t until last year that I found out that I was named after Lana Turner. My aunt was a big fan of hers and liked the name. When my mom was expecting me, and when my aunt named her daughter something completely different, she asked her sister if it would bother her if she gave me the name, and the rest as they say is history.

And my classmates in high school wondered when I told them to just call me Lumpy…..so much less confusing and the tale on how I got that nickname is funny as well. But, I’m not telling it now - that’s a story for another day.

Why is it so Hard?

Why is it so hard to follow the Golden Rule? Why is it easier for us (all us humans) to want to be treated a certain way, but we don't actually do it?

I had a project to do at work today which involved pulling old shipping information. It was dirty frustrating work, because my predecessor didn't think it was a high priority to label the boxes with the shipment file range numbers. The boxes were marked, shipment files and they had a box number on them and nothing else.

As I tugged and pulled to get the boxes open I really wanted to give this person a piece of my mind! How dare she not consider that someone would have to pull information from those boxes in the future? Why did she cram so many in one box? I could barely open it!

Then I had to admit, that while yes, it does make good sense to properly label the box, I was really mad because I was inconvenienced. I don't like to be inconveninced, no one does. But when I get caught in the trap of thinking that all things and people should march to the beat of my drum, that's a dangerous place to be.

It is so easy to ask why someone doesn't do it my way (the right way in our minds?). It's a lot harder to step outside yourself, and see things from another person's point of view. But how much more considerate would we all be to each other if we all tried our very best to do that as often as we could?

Maybe it's possible.....but part of me still wants to sound off....oh wait, didn't I just do that? Rant over!